Tag Archives: marriage advice

Quick Quote | Tullian Tchividjian: On One Way Love

“Love must be one-way to be worth anything.”
– Pastor Tullian Tchividjian

quick quote tullian tchividjian

I realize that statement may shock the system.

In a what-have-you-done-for-me-lately world, where, too often, we keep meticulous score and only mete out love as we feel it’s deserved, that’s almost hard for the brain to process on first read.

So, go ahead, read it again.

Love must be one-way to be worth anything.

It certainly turns conventional wisdom and pop psychology on their heads, but it’s the truth.

Remember, Jesus said it’s easy to love the people who are nice to us, the people who treat us well. “What credit is that?” is actually how He put it.

Relationships are healthiest when each person is practicing a radical, unconditional love that goes beyond reciprocation or obligation.

Think of the way most of parents love their newborn babies. That radical, unconditional, overwhelming love despite the fact that they can’t do anything for us. We stay up late, wake up in the middle of the night, get up early, feed, clothe, hold, bathe, play with, provide for, clean up after and totally rearrange our lives for them. THAT is the one-way love we must capture and live out in our relationships.

Here’s another great thought on this from @pastortullian:

More from Tullian’s book One Way Love, as published in an earlier post entitled 3 Minute Marriage Counselor: Got Grace? (by Matthew Reid):

We are the recipients of abounding, incomprehensible and undeserved grace, yet we tend to treat others more like the unforgiving servant (Matthew 18:21-35) than the man who told that story.

“The world tells us to stand up for ourselves, to stick to our guns. But the Gospel frees us to lay down our arms.” (via Pastor Tullian Tchividjian)

Pastor Tullian makes the case for cultivating more grace in our relationships in his new book, One Way Love. While God’s way often seems more difficult, in the end it not only brings Him glory, it’s what’s best for us, too!

A few quotes jumped out at me from this book…

“The fire to love unconditionally comes only from being soaked in the fuel of being unconditionally loved.” ~Pastor Tullian

When we live for our happiness, as opposed to God’s glory and the good of those around us, we miss out on a whole lot of awesome. Putting ourselves first may be natural, but even putting aside obedience and choosing the narrow path, it just doesn’t work.

“Every marriage is the union of two selfish people, fighting for their way, desperate to win. That’s why an apology so often feels like we are betraying ourselves. We would rather see a marriage fall apart than cede any ground…” ~Pastor Tullian

We’re so stubborn. We’ll act in a way that’s counter productive to our own best interests just to “win.” That victory, however, is no such thing. We don’t get what we really wanted in the first place, we hurt the people we love and we miss an opportunity to give God glory.

That’s lose, lose, lose.

It’s pride.

We need to remember that the people who hurt us are not the real enemy. (Ephesians 6:12, 1 Peter 5:8)

“Husbands and wives are often so hard on one another, merciless with their demands and expectations, their criticisms and silences.” ~Pastor Tullian

We’re in a battle. A battle for our marriage, our family, our kids. We’re fighting for our futures, a war for the souls of family members, friends, neighbors and coworkers who are far from God and are watching us.

We can point those around us, including our own children, toward God and show them a better way. We don’t have to do what everybody else does, we can be more.

As my pastor, Sean Sears, often says, we won’t have extraordinary lives if we keep making ordinary choices.

But 1 Corinthians 13 points toward the hope that’s there for us: “Love believes, hopes, endures, never ends…”

“For the marriage grounded in one-way love, there is always hope, always a way forward.” ~Pastor Tullian

Read the more quotes from Pastor Tullian’s new book One Way Love.

[Originally published November 3, 2013 growingingracetoday.wordpress.com]

More: Tullian Tchividjian


Off The Shelf | Wisdom Keys from “The Marriage Turnaround” by Mitch Temple

One of the biggest obstacles to living the life God has planned for us is distorted thinking.

This can affect every aspect of our lives.   It’s destructive to our relationships,  especially our marriages.

I got some great insights on this from author Mitch Temple‘s book The Marriage Turnaround.

Mitch tackles myths and attitudes that destroy marriages, and ALL relationships, by affecting our thinking and gnawing away at intimacy and affection from the inside.

He talks about something he calls relationship nearsightedness, based on 2 Peter 1:5-9, and a great chapter called “I Shouldn’t Have To Ask,” both of which I’ll cover more deeply in a future post.

One of the things this book does a great job with is identifying, deconstructing and debunking some of the myths and lies we’ve somehow come to believe about ourselves and others.

In a hope filled chapter entitled, “Attitudes Don’t Really Count,” Mitch includes a list of common distorted thoughts, some of which may sound familiar:

• It’s easier to avoid the problem than to deal with the conflict
• What has happened in the past will determine the future
• Things always turn out this way
• I must be approved and loved by all people
• If things don’t go the way I expect them to, then it’s catastrophic
• If I make a mistake, it means I am incompetent and that I’m inferior to others
• You always act this way
• You never treat me the way I deserve to be treated
• You should always feel, or act, a certain way
• We should never have conflict
• You should meet all my needs

If any of these jump out at you, as thoughts you or someone you know struggles with, I strongly recommend reading this book.

The author explains how distorted thinking can lay “ruts” in our minds. We’re creatures of habit who tend to follow the same patterns of interactions and reactions, particularly under stress.

“When you and your spouse disagree. . .or get hurt. . .or become frustrated. . .or reach an impasse. . .the easiest thing to do is what you have always done.”

Temple shares some of his own failings and weaknesses, along with real life examples from friends and acquaintances, to help us overcome this distorted thinking that has such a detrimental effect on our relationships.

The chapter closes with the important reminder that, “Spending time with Jesus can have a huge effect on our thinking, attitudes and behavior.”

WISDOM KEY: Distorted thinking destroys! How and what we think really matters. Attitudes count. Identifying and overcoming these thoughts is absolutely vital to our emotional health and the well being of all our relationships.

Look Inside via Amazon.com

The Marriage Turnaround: How Thinking Differently About Your Relationship Can Change Everything

By Mitch Temple
2009 Moody Publishers

Hear Mitch Temple‘s podcast with Gary Chapman
Part One
Hear Parts 2-4 at mitchtempleonline.com

Editor’s note: Over the past few years, I’ve read about a hundred books, many of them on the topic of marriage and family relationships. I am hoping to share with you some of the wisdom keys I’ve pulled from these books in a series I’m calling, Off The Shelf. The goal is to make these pieces powerful, insightful, and quickly digestible. I truly hope they’re helpful to you or someone you know.

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